Mother and sons
One curious result of using a ‘taoist’ model of ‘virtue’ to raise my kids is seeing how naturally ethical – even to a ‘fault’ – they have turned out. Given the laissez-faire upbringing they had, it is a little odd to see how rigidly law abiding they can be at times. For example, we headed down the street to order a sandwich at the corner deli. I grabbed a beer to drink (rare for me) as we walked there. They protested, saying it was against the law to walk in public and drink beer. I thought that nonsense. Drink and drive no way, but drink and walk? All my life I have only obeyed laws I agreed with, so they didn’t pick up their highly law abiding ways from me (obviously). And, given the circumstances of how they were raised, I doubt they learned it from anyone in particular. This may be a testament to the deep underlying pull of the ethical paradigm that surrounds everyone. Most conform, some rebel, but everyone feels it.
From a Taoist point of view, virtue and ethics (as commonly viewed) are symptoms of great hypocrisy, not solutions. They are ineffective at best, and downright debilitating at worst, e.g., ‘A man of the lowest virtue never strays from virtue and that is why he is without virtue‘. True virtue is essentially mysterious virtue, and was the model I used as best I could. For example, I never told them to say ‘thank you’ when someone gave them something. I felt it best for them to say one day, “It happened to us naturally”. Granted, it was sometimes embarrassing for my wife and I when our ostensibly rude kids would not say ‘thank you’ when receiving a gift. The point was, I wanted them to ‘feel the need’, rather than being prodded into a show of virtuous rectitude and rites. So far this experiment is turning out just fine, bolstering my faith in the truth of this beautiful sentiment… One does less and less until one does nothing at all, and when one does nothing at all there is nothing that is undone. It is always through not meddling that the empire is won. Should you meddle, then you are not equal to the task of winning the empire.
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That has got to be the cutest picture ever posted on CenterTao.org.
Luke, the shirtless one
p.s. – I can see Kyle was not a smiler early in life, either.
I have to agree with Luke, that is one adorable picture
My parents didn’t teach me to automatically spit out the words “thank you”, either, and I am grateful for that. I started saying thank you when I was about 6 years old, and it was probably not until that age that I was mature enough to know what it actually means to be thankful for something. I never (spare for those moments where white lies are “needed”) thank anyone for something I don’t really feel thankful for (and yet I actually hear from people that I say thank you “an awful lot”, hehe). My parents had the same view on such things as money, clothes, boyfriends and staying out late and whatnot, and I can’t begin to express how happy I am to have had the opportunity to actually learn about these things on my own instead of getting a set of unquestionable rules- I doubt that I would have been the confident and indepentent adult that I am today if my parents had been keen users of the phrase “because I say so”.
I think it is wonderful that you’ve given your children the same opportunity to realize the meaning of the words “thank you” on their own instead of learning it by heart and using it like an empty standard phrase. The “laissez-faire upbringing” I got as a little girl is definitely a tradition I will pass on to my own children
I have to agree with Luke, that is one adorable picture
My parents didn't teach me to automatically spit out the words “thank you”, either, and I am grateful for that. I started saying thank you when I was about 6 years old, and it was probably not until that age that I was mature enough to know what it actually means to be thankful for something. I never (spare for those moments where white lies are “needed”) thank anyone for something I don't really feel thankful for (and yet I actually hear from people that I say thank you “an awful lot”, hehe). My parents had the same view on such things as money, clothes, boyfriends and staying out late and whatnot, and I can't begin to express how happy I am to have had the opportunity to actually learn about these things on my own instead of getting a set of unquestionable rules- I doubt that I would have been the confident and indepentent adult that I am today if my parents had been keen users of the phrase “because I say so”.
I think it is wonderful that you've given your children the same opportunity to realize the meaning of the words “thank you” on their own instead of learning it by heart and using it like an empty standard phrase. The “laissez-faire upbringing” I got as a little girl is definitely a tradition I will pass on to my own children