Significant Others

Eligible bachelors

There is a curious thing I notice in the life of my two sons. They are not chasing girls like I was at their age. They aren’t gay either, so what gives? I look back on my youthful lust and see a disconnected lad looking for companionship that my ‘independent’ upbringing (plus innate nature, I suppose) never provided. All I ever really wanted was intimacy and acceptance. And the only path to that deeper sense of connection was through a boy-girl relationship. That was true of my wife and most everyone I know (especially in Western cultures). Ironically, our culture’s love of ‘independence and self reliance’ actually leave its people with just the opposite, deep down anyway.

The radically different path my sons seem to be on is not that surprising when considered from a symptoms point of view. The boys get a level of acceptance and intimacy from me and my wife that only a ‘taoist’ paradigm can give. (Note, my use of small ‘t’ ‘taoist’, not Taoist.) They never felt the need to rebel as teenagers; how can you rebel against a ‘taoist’ point of view; how can one push back against nothing? By not pushing self reliance on them, self reliance happened to them naturally. In other words, to paraphrase chapter 2: It is because we lay claim to no self reliance, that self reliance never deserts us.

True, we do have a family business which gives them something to sink their teeth into. Also, I gladly let them take on any level of responsibility they wish (something neither my parents, nor any I knew, seem willing to do; parents want to maintain control). Come to think of it, a sense of responsibility also conforms to the view that we often get just the opposite of what we push for. Or, to paraphrase chapter 22: He does not consider himself responsible, and so is illustrious (i.e., responsible).

Much of what parents do in raising their children is in reaction to, and symptomatic of,  their needs and fears. I find most people need to think they are in control (i.e., free will), and end up pushing that ’story’ onto their kids. Teenager then just end up rebelling against this projection of parental expectations. Our vain struggle for free will and choice is such a waste of time and energy. I find I waste much less, now that I understand that my actions (or inactions) are simply reactions – symptoms of deeper causes. Being aware of this moment – to – moment ‘karma’, I can not help but be more tentative, hesitant, and vacant like a valley.

So when will my sons find their “significant others”? Unlike me, I am guessing they will seek a mate in earnest only when they feel the real inner pull to have a family of their own. Hmm, I better keep taking good care of myself if I ever want to see grandchildren!

Background
Memories become dimmer as the years fly by. Many are even too misty to write down without filling in the voids with poetic license (fiction). Still, I’ve set out to fetch what memories remain before they fade any further. See: The Further One Goes for background on this ‘Times of Yore’ series.