Needed: clean, old, bad jokes-
Let's help Kyle in his quest for more and better 'between songs patter': groan inducing humor, along the lines of a bazooka joe bubble gum wrapper, at which he's the master of telling...(btw, loved the '2 shots' joke-actually hadnt heard that one before)

Here's a few to start:

A guy told me his dog has no nose. I asked him 'How does he smell?' The guy said 'Awful!'

I asked this kid if his dog bites. He said no. I went to pet it and it bit me. Hey, I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!? He said "This isn't my dog."

A guy walks in a bar with a toad sitting on his head. The bartender says "Hey, what's with that?" and the toad says, "I don't know, I just woke up and there it was on my butt."

A guy sees a snail on his front porch, and kicks it into his yard. Six months later, his doorbell rings. He opens it, and theres the snail, who says "What was that for?!"

A guy walks into a bar and orders 8 shots of whiskey. he starts slugging them back one after the other, and the bartender says 'Whoa, slow down, buddy, what's the hurry?" The guy says "You'd be in a hurry too if you had what I have." The bartender says "What do you have?" The guy says "Fifty cents".

The Tomato family is walking along, and baby Tomato is dragging behind. His mother tells him to hurry up, hurry up, and finally goes back to him, stomps him with her foot, and says "Catch up!"

Now, if I can just learn 9 instruments, I can fill in for Kyle when he's sick...

We stayed in a hotel room so small the mice were hunchbacked.

Our hotel room was so small you had to go outside to change your mind.

The town I'm from is so small it's only listed in the phone book every other day.

Buddy -- LOL, the tree falling one!

Here's a joke: I had coffee this morning with two lumps. . . My wife and her mother. Heeyyyyooooo!!!!!

I went on holiday to forget everything. I opened my suitcase and found I had. Heyyoooo!!!!

We went to a bar one day and we saw four beer presidents walk in and order drinks. The Corona president said, ?I?ll have the best beer in the world. A Corona.? The Budweiser guy said ?I?ll have the best beer in the world, a Budwiser. The Coors man said, ?I?ll have the only beer made from Rocky Mountain spring water, a Coors.? the Guinness man says, ?I?ll have a Coke.? The bartender is a bit surprised but gets them all their drinks. The other presidents ask him why he got a Coke and the president said, ?Well, I figured if you guys aren?t drinking beer, neither would I.? Heeyyyyoooo!!!!

A priest was in line to be decided if he should be able to enter the Pearly Gates and ahead of him was a taxi driver. Saint Peter asked the driver, ?what?s your name and what was your occupation.? He said, ?Tom, Taxi Driver.? Saint Peter handed him a golden staff and silk robe and said, ?welcome to Heaven. Next!?The priest said, ?My name is Luther and I?m a priest.? Peter handed him a wooden staff and cotton robe. The priest said, ?well now wait a minute! How could that taxi driver get a golden staff and the works and I just get this?? Peter said, ?Up here we work by results! While you preached people slept. While he drove, people prayed.? Heyyyoooo!!!!!

In my This Week in God magazine, they issued a poll. This is what is was: Do you think Moses led the Israelites through the desert for forty years because God was testing him, or because he wanted them to really appreciate the promised land when they got there, or because Moses refused to ask anybody for directions. I?m still scratching my head about that one. Heyyoooo!!!!

In national statistics weekly, I read an article about Adam and Eve. Adam told God that he was lonely and needed a companion. God replied, ?ok, I?ll give you an intelligent, gracious and beautiful woman who will cook and clean for you and will never say a cross word. Adam said, ?Sounds great! But how much will it cost me?? God replied, ?an arm and a leg.? Adam said, ?That?s pretty steep. What can I get for a rib?? Heyyyooo!!!!!

Most of those jokes are from the Prairie Home Companion band/group

Two cows are standing in a field. First cow says to the second cow, "What do you think about this 'mad cow' disease?" Second cow says "Why should I care, i'm a helicopter."

A friend of mine (that's right. I have friends! ) sent me this joke

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather... who died peacefully in his sleep... Not screaming like all the passengers in the back seat of his car.

Ole & Lena are vactioning at this posh resort in Duluth. Ole goes into the sauna where two foreign businessmen, a German & a Japanese, are sitting naked. Suddenly there's a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. Ole looked at him questioningly. "Thats my pager", said the German, "I had a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rings. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."Ole felt decidely low tech. Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went into the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paer sticking out from his his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. Ole turned around and said "Vell, by golly, vill ya look at dat, I'm getting a fax!"

How is an elephant like a tomato?
Neither one can ride a bicycle very well.

'Why did the man eat his watch? Because it was time for dinner.'

thank you thank you, I'll be playing here till friday...

here is one I read on a 3D graphics forum, it was posted by a guy in England.

A duck is walking along one day when he thinks "I could just go for some bread!"

So he walks into a pub, goes to the bar and says "Got any bread mate?"

The barman replies "Sorry, no. Beer, wine, crisps and peanuts. No bread."

"oh, ok then" says the duck, and walks out.

Next day, he comes in again, and asks the same thing. The barman replies "No, same as before, no bread." Again the duck leaves.

But! The next day he's back again. This time the barman replies more heatedly "NO! BEER! CRISPS! PEANUTS! THAT'S IT!". The duck leaves empty bellied.

But, undeterred, the duck returns. This time, the barman is really annoyed. "Listen, duck. If you come in 'ere one more time asking for bread, I'm going to nail your bill to this bar, got it?"

"Got it." says the duck, and leaves.

Next day, sure enough, he's back. He walks up to the bar and says "Excuse me mate, got any nails?"

"Er, no." says the barman.

"Right, have you got any bread?"

whats yellow and goes up and down? a banana in an elevator.

this is kinda Texan but here goes...

why did the chicken cross the road ?

to prove to the armadillo it can be done.

this is from a recent 'pearls before swine' maybe the best comic strip goin'...

A guy is putting something on his food.
A friend sees him and says "Whats that stuff?"
The first guy says 'I've been reading about the benefits of using thyme in your diet, and it's great. I love this stuff."
"But arent you using an awful lot?" his friend asks.
"Yeah, in fact I had to get this from the neighbors. I used up all I had, it's almost all I eat anymore.
His friend says "You cant go on doing that! You're living on borrowed thyme!"

Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damme & Arnold Schwarzeneggar are sitting around talking about making an action film based on the lives of great composers.
"I'll be Beethoven" Stallone says.
Van Damme says "I'll be Mozart."
Arnold says "I'll be Bach."

a guy at work sent this to me.

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las
Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches in Las Vegas than
there are casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday
services will give casino chips rather than cash when the
basket is passed. Since they get chips from so many different
casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the
offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a
nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the
casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by a chip monk.

Guy goes into a nightclub carrying a set of jumper cables, the manager says " I'll let you in but don't start anything"

two muffins are sitting in the oven, the first one turns to the other, and says "man, its getting hot in here" and the second muffin replys "oh my god! a talking muffin!!"