Much of my ranting aims at meditation, though I end up mostly beating around the bush. Simply put, meditation boils down to watchfulness for me. And I'm always forgetting to watch carefully, or rather to watch as carefully as I'm capable - well actually, as carefully as I think I'm capable. To compensate for this weakness, I've realized it necessary to always remember that I forget. The problem is that I easily forget to remember. Tying a string around my finger to remind me helps. String? Well, it is more like the thread running through the way. And, it tends to stay on my finger as long as I truly want. There's the catch. Ironically, this is the one instance where I can actually and easily have what I want - it all hinges on want.

Watching is simply a prayer without words. The mind is like a puppy dog leaping this way or that. The breezes of desire flutter it, and our lives, one moment to the next. A wandering mind's desire are like ripples on the surface of awareness forever moving outward and onward. The 'heart', deep down, only knows turning back. Listening to it's silent voice will guide me, if I want. Nuts, I keep running into this problem; I get out of life exactly what I truly want!

So, my problem lacking enough 'want' to back up my ideal. I dream about the benefits of turning back, but the need I feel doesn't match my dream. Words (and thoughts) are cheap. My other needs (desires, wants) are more emotionally compelling and divide my attention. Of course, I have faced this same dilemma in exercise, food, smoking, and as you can see, in the area of using words but rarely ops: . Need pulls the puppet strings of life! So, the issue really becomes one of prioritizing need. The following exercise can help a little...

The Five Finger Test
Being careful is driven by an awareness of the stakes involved. As history show, both personal and human, we don't do anything until we feel the need to. Life, the civilized version anyway, just doesn't stimulate enough of the required it is now or never feeling. Which often means we have a devil of a time dealing with situations before symptoms develop. How do we keep ourselves on our toes? In the Five Finger Test, we hold our life out in front of us to remind ourselves of what is at stake. Here's how it goes.

Hold your hand out in front of you with fingers extended. Think of each finger as being 20 years, and that you are guaranteed a 100 year life span. Now, fold one finger for each 20 years that you have spent to date. If you're only 20, great! You've only 'wasted' 1/5th of your life so far. But, how many more 'fingers' do you want to 'waste' going up to the terrace in spring? Of course, I'm down to only a couple of finger now (if I'm lucky) so doing this really helps return [me] to [my] destiny. This makes it easy to feel what I truly want. Such sincere inquiry into what I truly want of life also prompts me to reflect on what I truly have, which evokes a sense of appreciation and contentment too.

Okay now, do we need to go around all day with a hand held out folding down fingers? No, unless that is what it takes to remind us. Although, it may be something to do once a day until we emotionally 'own' this idea. One thing is for sure, we must remain alive to the life and death stakes this test illustrates if we ever wish to watch our life carefully enough. Of course, if we already have the presence of mind to actually do this once a day, we probably won't need to much. And, those who would really benefit probably don't have the presence of mind to remember to do it.

P.S. I don't mean to imply that 'wasted' is bad. After all, if you would have a thing laid aside, you must first set it up. It is just that if we look at it as 'wasted', it helps focus awareness on what is at stake... What will it be, the great way [or a] by-path?

Also, 'watching life carefully' probably doesn't sound very sexy, at least compared to the lofty goal of Enlightenment ... And there in lies the problem. Actually living an enlightened life hidges of watching life, moment to moment, carefully. But, it is only when we watch this 'flow' carefully that we feel the joy of enlightenment. You might say we have to pay first, sight unseen. We are so stimulli-reaction oriented that, as easy as this sounds, it is almost beyond our ability to do.